Imagine a world full of parents who praised each other and supported each other. Parenting guilt, and in particular mother guilt, could be a thing of the past!
As the majority of primary caregivers, mums tend to take on the lion’s share of parenting tasks such as making decisions, discipline and organising the family. Not to mention carrying all that ‘information’ around in their heads, such as who does what, eats what, struggles with what, names of friends, teachers and more.
Not only can all of this cause mums to experience high amounts of stress, but it can also lead to increased feelings of guilt and harsh self-judgement.
Mums of older kids can experience these feelings in different ways. Here’s a few of the reasons why:
As kids get older and spend more time at school and generally outside of the house, mums who have stayed at home or worked part time put pressure on themselves to work more or work harder, under the false pretext that their kids don’t need them as much.
Mums of younger kids often have communities such as mothers groups and playgroups that can be an outlet for stress and isolation. These groups of like-minded parents are a godsend for supporting us through our mother guilt and telling us we are doing a great job.
The unexplainable behaviour of teens and tweens often leaves parents exasperated and wondering “where did I go wrong?” or “how did we get here?”. This can create new levels of guilt around ‘should haves’ and ‘what ifs’.
So what can you do to help yourself release some of those feelings of guilt and harsh self-judgement?
Surround yourself with other parents and supportive people who understand what you are going through, just like you did when your kids were little. People you can really open up to, laugh with, cry with and tell each other ‘You are still doing a great job Mama’. If you have some great friends who are parents of similar aged children, make time to spend with them.
If you don’t know other parents, try starting a Facebook group for parents of teens or tweens in your area, arrange a mums event or group to meet-up with other parents.
Understand where your kids are at. Peers become more important than family for kids once they hit their teens, or even earlier in some communities. The influence of peers on your adolescent’s behaviour can be very significant. Stop blaming yourself, or past situations, for your child’s behaviour.
Hold children accountable by using effective consequences. If you have regrets about the way you raised your kids, talk about that with them openly, and make sure you get support for yourself so you can let go.
Make self-care a priority. Do things that help you to slow down and let go of perfectionism. Make your mantra ‘you are doing a great job Mama’ and let yourself believe it. Go to that yoga or art class you have been meaning to get to. Take that sunset walk on the beach, relax with a coffee or read that book which has been calling to you. Put your needs at the top of the list, at least some of the time.
Try not to judge other parents whose story you do not know. When we judge others, it is usually because they are doing it differently to us or because we don’t understand them. Harsh judgement of others leads to harsh judgement of ourselves.
There is no shame in these feelings of guilt and believe me, you are not alone! If feelings of guilt or judgement are overwhelming you, please get support to talk through them.
You might like to become a part of the “Tree House Mamas Support Circle” starting in term four.
For more information visit www.treehousecounselling.com.au
