How to negotiate with teenagers

Parenting older teens and young adults can be both a real challenge and a real joy. Often, when we need our kids to step up to the plate and demonstrate responsibility it results in a power struggle. So how do we forge a way through? According to Family Counsellor, Emma Holdsworth, the key lies in mastering Interdependence.

In my work, the things I hear most often by parents of this age group are: ‘”My child hates me and doesn’t listen to a thing I say”, “I am worried about their future,” and “They have no respect for me, or my home.”

While all of these concerns are very common and some would say a normal part of parenting, It doesn’t have to be (or stay) this way!

Interdependence is when two or more people work together on a common activity or toward a common goal. It’s about sharing responsibility and therefore sharing power.

Throughout early childhood, children are seen as dependent on their parents for most of their needs, although the bid for autonomy and independence begins early (when they learn to walk and say NO!).

As our children move through childhood, gaining more autonomy as go, we can make the mistake of feeling like the only options are dependence or independence.

We see that as our kids move through their teen years they seem dependent one minute (“Where’s my dinner?” or “I forgot my lunch!” or “Can you drive me?”) and independent the next minute (“I can do it myself!” or “I don’t need your help!” or “You can’t make me!”).

It can be confusing and often creates conflict and difficulty in maintaining strong relationships.
So, what if we worked on fostering a culture of interdependence with our teens (or even younger children)? How would this impact our relationships with our kids later in the picture?
Interdependence is when two or more people work together on a common activity or toward a common goal. It’s about sharing responsibility and, therefore, sharing power.
It is never too early to work on developing an interdependent relationship with your children. And the lasting positive effects make it well worth it, for both your kid’s resilience skills and your relationship with them.

If all else fails, hold your ground
Of course negotiations won’t always run smoothly. Your young person may become belligerent, avoidant or angry about having to negotiate or follow rules. In this case, it is important to stand firm (with love and understanding). Use your leverage to get your young adult to ‘come to the table’.

Remember the right to use the car, be taxied, have phone bills paid, or have unlimited access to the internet (the list goes on) are to be earned by co-operation.
The way to build resilience, respect and interdependence with your ‘big kids’ is to stop rescuing them: Let them learn, include them in negotiations and be clear about your boundaries while keeping the lines of love and communication open.

The child’s needs are taken in to equal consideration as the parents and solutions are reached by negotiation.